If I lay here
by JaneIsles
Summary: Maura finally reached the point of completely being down and out and now it Jane's part to be there for her friend.


"_Jane! Are you okay?" she heard Maura screaming through the noise; it took her a few seconds to realize what had just happened. _

_Through the aftermath of an explosion, smoke and shouting police officers there was only one thing she heard and that was her voice. Maura screamed her name the way she did when she was about to shoot herself; she didn't remember much but she never forgot the sound of Maura's voice. At that time, her friend had no idea that she would almost kill herself in order to take Bobby down and safe her baby brother. _

_And the night Abby died, Maura was terrified. She knew how it felt; she knew the pain it had caused her when she thought she would loose Jane. Just like anyone else, she didn't expect such a terrible thing to happen at a ceremony that was held to celebrate the good. She ran out of the building and the first thing she saw was chaos, a fire and lots of scared faces and she knew that her friend was out there; she didn't know if it'd been Jane's car or not._

The night she was celebrated as a hero after surviving the previous incident had brought it all back and Maura was confronted with her fears again. At that time Jane had been too shocked to give it much of a thought.

It was now, when she sat in her best friend's home that she realized how much it probably hurt her and how terrifying it must've been for Maura.

Jane shook her head in silence; the sound of Maura's teary voice ringing inside her head. Something had changed between them and Jane knew she hadn't made it easy for Maura who'd tried every imaginable thing to make Jane feel better. She had made Jane her business and unlike everyone else she had not backed off when Jane had pushed them all away. She was too stubborn and too proud and refused to accept that she needed help and that she wasn't doing as well as she pretended to.

Maura had relentlessly tried to get her life back to normal but facing her fears was something Jane simply couldn't do. She hated it and she had accepted to be lonely instead. Jane sighed and listened. The sound of water was gone and Maura would probably be back from her shower in a bit. It was their movie night, though she'd been looking forward to it all week she suddenly didn't feel like watching anything any more. She hugged herself and leaned back.

She had noticed that things were different since she returned to work. Maura appeared calmer but it didn't strike Jane as a positive thing. It felt like she was retreating to a place that Jane couldn't reach. She didn't smile that much any longer and Jane had often noticed that Maura looked very tired; whatever it was that troubled her so much seemed to cost a lot of strength. It made Jane unbearably sad to see Maura like this and it sometimes felt like there was an invisible wall between them and no matter what Jane did, she couldn't reach Maura. She'd seen the way Maura looked at her every time she left the morgue and each day they said good bye to each other when work was done for the day. She'd seen the sadness surrounding Maura but she failed to do the right thing.

"_Did you ever ask her how she's doing? I mean, really doing?" _she heard Angela's voice and felt horrible when she realized the truth. She had never asked Maura how she felt because she always assumed that everything was fine and she'd been way too busy with herself. She knew Maura well enough to know that it certainly didn't pass her without leaving marks behind but she'd failed to see it. She couldn't even imagine how much pain it must've caused her; she almost lost her best friend, the only one she actually has. Jane felt the sudden pressure on her chest; she knew how much it'd hurt her if she lost Maura. Even the thought of it made it hard to breathe; impossible to think. It gave her the slightest impression of what Maura had gone through when she watched her friend going down. Maura always appeared to be doing fairly well but Jane had helplessly watched her pretty little picture falling apart. It must have taken an incredible amount of strength to leave the house with a smile on your face every day and act like you're fine when all you want to do is cry, but she couldn't. She'd been strong for Jane and that strength had long been gone.

Jane wasn't the emotional type, but sitting there all alone suddenly made her feel like crying, but maybe it was her part to be strong now. She slowly rose from the sofa and listened. It was silent in the house and she'd not heard Maura leaving the bathroom. She felt panic tingling inside of her as she approached the bathroom door. She listened again, but there was nothing. She ignored the voice inside her head that wanted to keep her from entering and slowly opened the door a little.

"Maura?" she asked quietly and opened the door a bit more. Her heart was suddenly hammering against her chest and there was no answer. At the first glance, the bathroom seemed empty but Jane had watched Maura entering and she had not left it since then. She scanned the room with her eyes for anything that might look out of place and her heart skipped a beat when she saw a hand behind the bathtub, resting motionless on the floor.

"Maura!" Jane nearly screamed and walked around the bathtub to find her best friend laying on the floor beside it. She laid on her side, her head resting on her right arm. Jane got down on her knees, panic filling every inch of her body.

_Did she fell and I didn't notice?_

Her eyes filled with tears when she cupped the blone's face gently with her hands.

"Maura, are you okay?" Jane asked and was aware that her voice was trembling. "Maura, please!"

"I'm..." she whispered and looked at Jane.

"I know you're not fine," Jane whispered and swallowed her tears. "I know you're not sweetheart."

"I was so tired," Maura whispered and it hurt Jane more then anything to see her best friend so vulnerable and at the end of her rope. Jane had never been good at dealing with emotions and had been dreading it ever since, especially when it involved herself but she somehow felt that she knew what she was doing. Her body was shaking with fear and the effort not to burst into tears.

"It's okay!" Jane told Maura and wiped a few strands of hairs out of her face. "Just tell me what to do," Jane begged her and felt the tears burning hot in her eyes.

"Just stay with me," Maura told her; her voice sounded eerily calm. It almost sounded like it cost her an incredible amount of strength to speak. Without another word Jane laid down on the floor in front of her; their eyes at the same level.

There were thousands of words she wanted to say but she couldn't. The last months had been harder on her then she ever imagined and she didn't realize how much until now. She never thought she'd fall that deep but now that she was there, she had no strength left to get up again. She'd finally surrendered to her grief and the exhaustion. There was an oppressing pressure on her chest that made it hard to breathe; every inch of her body hurt and she didn't know if she'd be able to keep her eyes open any longer. She wanted to cry and scream and smash every thing her hands could reach but her body refused to listen. She knew her condition very well, she read many things about it and she'd lie saying that she hadn't seen it coming. How many mornings had she woken up and it had cost her a lot of strength to open her eyes and get out of bed? She never imagined herself to be so weak and let it happen, but she was just human after all and she was weak like every one else. She knew it all and yet there was nothing she could do about it. She moved the fingers of her left hand and was glad when Jane understood.

Jane reached out for her hand and held it gently in her own. Their eyes locked in the semi-darkness of the room and Jane finally gave in.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered and the tears streamed down her face; she knew Maura understood without a word. Jane looked into her brown eyes until they closed and Maura fell asleep. She didn't move long after her friend had fallen asleep. She had no idea how much time had passed since she entered the bathroom but it didn't matter. It didn't even matter that Maura was still naked. Much to her own surprise it didn't make Jane feel uncomfortable, it just wasn't the right time. Maura trusted her and all Jane saw were her eyes and the remarkable beauty of her face while she was sleeping soundly. Though her eyes were closed, Jane still saw them in front of her own; the warmth and trust she found in the reflection. Jane was still crying silently by the time she got up to put a bath towel on her friend's body; careful not to wake her. She crouched down to pick her up gently and held the sleeping woman safely in her arms; she felt Maura snuggling to her body. She put her arms around Jane's body and leaned into her without opening her eyes.

Jane carefully carried her to her bedroom and laid her down on the bed. Maura shifted slightly when Jane sat down on the edge and watched her for a few seconds. She put the blanket over her body to keep her from getting cold. She was tired and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop crying. She leaned forward and kissed Maura on her lips; softly and slow. She took her time, memorizing the moment with everything she had. She felt the sobs shaking her body, realizing what she'd almost lost. She left the bedroom only reluctantly to switch off all the lights in the house but when she sat down in the darkness of the living room she kept crying silently for a while until the sobs finally subsided and her body was to drained to keep it up any longer. She wiped the last tears from her face with her sleeve before she returned to Maura.


End file.
